Thoughts I Have When F*ckboys Say:

I’m back on the market after a failed situationship, and all I can say - other than what a relief - is that while the world is constantly changing, it’s nice to know the f*ckboys aren't.

Over the last few weeks I've embraced my recently single situation by flirting up a storm with every Miles Teller look-alike I can find and exchanging some thirsty, questionable messages with the f*ckboys of society, and honestly, it feels like coming home.

Sure, they may break our hearts and not know how to use correct grammar, but something I had forgotten about the f*ckboy collective is how comforting they are.

For example, how come their dry chat and cliche lines are making me smile?

So as a celebration of my Samantha Jones era being back on track, here are some thoughts I have about the 'heard way too many times before' fuckboy lines: 

Me: “I’m having a shower” 

Them: “Can I join?” 

1. No you can’t shower time is my deep thought time 
2. But on second thoughts maybe you can 
3. I like the confidence 
4. And now it’s in my head so okay fine you’re invited 

“Send pics” 

1. On the list of things I am going to do, that is sitting at least 100 places down the list 
2. How would I even do that? Where are my good angles 
3. Do I go full frontal in the mirror? A sly booty pic? SOMEONE GIVE ME ANSWERS
4. It’s sitting further down the list now

“Up 2?”

1. Shit, did my bestie see that? 
2. I mean I was having my main character moment in the club eye f*cking every hot guy in sight 
3. But now..
4. I really shouldn’t, he’s literally a walking red flag
5. And he hasn’t messaged me in 3 weeks I can’t run to him now 
6. But also he’s got that BDE 
7. Okay, I’ll ignore him for 20 minutes and see how I feel after another tequila shot 

“What’s your snap?” 

1. Oh god, he’s a snapchat fuckboy 
2. Am I sure I want to get into this? 
3. I bet he just sends pics, like no words, just pics 
4. Am I ready for that? I was really looking forward to actual sexting 
5. Nah I’m unmatching

“Hey I hope you’re doing well” 

1. Well, well, well, look what the thirst trap bought in
2. They always come back
3. So predictable. I literally had this on my 2022 bingo card 
4. Let me send this to the group chat and tell them I absolutely am not replying to it even though I’ve already thought up a witty reply and will absolutely send it in T-minus 10… 9…. 8

“What would you do if I was there?”

1. Probably start a fight with you because this Netflix show is not providing the spice I was promised 
2. If I message and ask ‘what are we?’ Will that make him leave me alone?
3. Or would he want me more? 
4. It really is a double edged sword 
5. Should I try it? 
6. What have I got to lose? I only 50% like him anyway 

“I’m so hard right now”

1. It’s literally the middle of the day 
2. Aren’t you at work? 
3. Is it bad I’m a little bit turned on thinking about that 
4. The feminist in me hates this but the Samantha Jones in me wants to sext back

“If you come over I’ll make it worth it”

1. Nothing you promise will make me get up and have *the* shower right now 
2. Plus my bed is so comfortable, I just changed the sheets
3. And you literally have one pillow and no top sheet 
4. NO. TOP. SHEET
5. Not even the BDE is worth it 

“Sorry, I thought I replied”

1. First of all, I have used that line enough to know you def did not 
2. Second, what were you actually doing 
3. Or should I say, who? 
4. I bet it was that girl you were talking to at the bar on the weekend 
5. Omg why am I so rattled about this?
6. I have to block him now, that’s it, that’s the only option 

- By Lillie Rohan.